I'm suppose to be asleep...

Under most circumstances, I'd have reggae playing in the back ground as my moods are EASILY influenced by music with lyrics but that is exactly why I don't...right now.  So Flying Lotus on Pandora invades the Bose coupled with the serene stream flowing outside of my bedroom window.  I'm finally putting this damn Papazon chair to use and still wondering why I feel so distracted at this moment in time...Oh yes, the horrific flourescent lighting omiting from my  bathroom.  My self-hosting skills are quite mediocre at the moment minus the brilliant choice of music and I'm quite displeased with myself.  (dry humor wasted in text form)

Anyhow, I'm suppose to be sleeping but I have all of these freeways in my mind, thoughts accelerating at light speed in every direction and I just need to dump my brain.  As my wise friend Kate Harvie has high lighted about why she writes before she sleeps, "It is a way to sometimes extract the poison" and perhaps its why I stay awake.  Or it could be the 2 hour naps I take when I get home from work and instead of trying to hold out until the sun sets, I head for the plush face first.  Being pregnant, while  absolutely joyful is exhausting.

So Being pregnant...I've never blogged in my life and always wanted a reason to start one. I can recall when I first found out I was pregnant ( 9 weeks ago holy shit balls, time flies) I told Siraaj I wanted to start a blog about being pregnant and be diligent about writing about the changes I was observing about myself, my body blah blah blah.   So of course he set one up for me and 9 weeks later and 3 paragraphs down, I've noticed I've already failed.  I suppose I never do get to the point and I may be the only person who finds my ranting...INTERESTING.

Siraaj and I often joke/talk about "how we got here."   We share a similiar parallel and by that I mean, everything changing in a blink of an eye and without exaggeration.  Often, different thoughts eventually lead me back to this one phenomenon because there are times where I feel that I just woke up from a dream only to enter the reality that IS my real life.  I packed my bags solo status to move to Hawaii, was a career/corporate girl in a 10 year plus on and off relationship, driving a benz, finding out who my biological father really was a year before my mom passes away, saying bye to the career world to pursue holistic studies, saying bye to the 10 year plus relationship, saying goodbye to my family who drained the life out of me, only to reconnect with my soulmate on FB,  be engaged to him,  pregnant with our child and working as  a Massage Therapist in hopes to bring healing to the world, one person at a time.  The funny thing is...this is just the effing beginning.  The ALPHA.

So the thought that brought me here today was a text chat I had with my old friend Jackie. She texted me to ask how the pregnancy was going and said something like, "I worry about you..." I chuckled and texted back, "nothing to worry about, I'm doing better than I ever have and if you worry, you should call me once in a while"  her reply was, "I'm always so busy and have so much going on around me that all I have time for is small chat" In an instance, it brought me back to one of the reasons why I left my corporate job with Sephora.  I wanted more than "small chat"  with the people I loved and cared about.  I never wanted to be consumed by a job so much that I couldn't enjoy connecting with people.  I mean, more than a text message, more than a FB post, more engaging than i do with the people who checked in my bags at the airport or the front desk attendant at the hotel...I wanted to look my friend in the eye and share laughs, I wanted to feel the magic in a warm hug, I wanted to wake up to my own drool stained pillow in my own bed and I wanted to meet my soul mate and have a family...

The other thought that hooked me to my main thesis of "how did we get here" was a conversation I was having with Siraaj last night.  He has become one of my favorite people to socialize with and many people would think, "well fucking A, you should enjoy talking to him, you're going to be married to him" or whatever it is that people say but I thoroughly enjoy and love his company.  I enjoy having adult conversations I never was able to experience with a man in my past relationships.  So we were talking about his situation in Nebraska and I said, "Holy shit, you would have been stuck with someone you didn't love for the rest of your life, like that would have been your fate!!!!" all devasted like it happened or something.  (sometimes I get too caught up in the moment)  and so that provoked another thought and I said, "I think its so sad that people are stuck in miserable relationships/marriages FOREVER, what a sad fate."  and he replies, "and it happens to people all the time...they're just like, oh shit, I'm stuck with with this person..." and i thought about it long and hard.  Not having discussed the next 30 minutes of what I was thinking with him, I was recalling how I was in that very same boat...perhaps that's why this fate saddens me is because it was almost my very same fate.  I was in a 10 year plus relationship with my Jr. High love and unfortunately, it never maturated past peuberty, figurtively speaking.  He was a great guy but not great for me and I was the best convincer out of anyone who tried to convince that he was the one for me.  "But hes so nice, he's so great, hes there for your family, he's there for you, he's got a great heart," all characteristics that seem pleasing on paper but I always knew my soul need more.  I needed to feel inspired, I needed to 'want' to be a better woman for my man, I needed someone to tame the lioness with respect and love and not out of force or fear.   I needed someone's courage to match my own and above it all, I needed my soul to say yes.  I cannot even begin to describe how difficult it is to walk away from a relationship that provided comfort, history and security blanket or web as I see it for what it is now and be guided by faith and trust in a source greater than myself.  This very source guided me to the social network that is FB only to see the face of my Jr. High councelor's son, Siraaj Aamil Muhammad.  He would tell you differently when I say that as soon as I saw his face, I just knew because of the um, you know trials and tribulations I've put him through, hahaha, but its true....Thank you source and thank you for reminding me how short life is that is should only be spent with the person who truly ingnites your flame.

Before I wrap up my thoughts tonight, I have just have to express how crazy beautiful pregnancy is thus far.  Every woman's experience is truly unique mainly because it is her experience to share but for me, this baby comes from the purest place of love.  Obviously love making had to occur, yes I'm aware but that's not really what I'm describing.  I wish I were articulate enough to even begin to describe  the phenomenon that God has created as a foundation for a baby to emerge from but I would fail. epically,  So I will just say that when I look into my  husband's to be eyes, that is the only thing I can sometimes see or feel...is the pure epitome of love.  I see my unborn child and I see in a flash what God had intended when he created the idea of "family"

So "how did we get here" TBC... Uncensored and ever so honest

I have a feeling this unborn child will be nocturnal and I will be the one to blame.